most importantly this year. and going back to the beginning and realizing what really mattered to me and how admirable all of it was for me. and then now. and how it'll be gone and the way i feel right now. i don't want this year to end. but I'm secretly excited about new things and more real moments and turning nineteen and being younger.

You're not pulled but led.

i'm starting a memory book of him. i know it sounds funny but it's gonna be different. i'm gonna print up my favorite moments, i'm gonna add lyrics and snippets of his own words that remind me of them, and polaroids, and it will secretly be my memory book that I will just pull out one day to remember and laugh to myself. I'm gonna start thinking of ways what to name it. and who knows maybe one day I won't be afraid to show it to anyone. I thought of this when I was editing a screen cap from that moment in Austin when Happiness was over and the snow was falling. i was adding more snow to picture. it's so perfect. In a little bit, I'm gonna head over to pick up my cousin. I promised her Starbucks and to jam to all my Fray albums. PS, meeting Melissa had to been one of my favorite things about this year. Talk more later. Bye

I'm gonna finally hang out with a Denver person. I get to meet Melissa for the first time. I am so excited for this moment. I think it's special for me since she's a big fan of The Fray & Meese and I've known her over a course of three years. I first saw her show up everywhere once I got into Meese. I can't wait to meet her in real life. She's so important. I want to take her to the Carnival and we can spend the whole day there and get on all the rides. It would be such an ice breaker and I can't picture having any awkward moments. I'm excited. I'm gonna take my camera with me and maybe drive my car and we can follow each other and ah just so much fun. I can't wait to talk and get to know each other.

Hey, I know this is late but I treated myself for Christmas and finally got around to ordering The Fray's Htsal and the self title both on Vinyl. :) :) :) :) :) :) ugh, man.
Merry Christmas..

spring forward, fall back down.

There was this moment that I didn't tell you about on December 16th. The show was over and the snow was falling from the cieling and all the lights were turned on and Isaac was just standing there and he was looking up and his eyes were smiling. I remember turning around watching it fall and then turning back to look at him. That was the best goodbye. It made me feel infinite. I have a list of a few moments on paper down that have made me feel infinite in my life. that moment is number 1. I'm listening to Left and Leaving and that part in the song where he goes "Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me" ha. So fitting. I'm going to the eye doctor to pick up my glasses. I need them while I drive.

And she told me she can't give up.

Cause she needs someone,

How she needs someone.

And she told me she's come this far

To believe in love

where are you now?

it's that time of year. When you pop in that Christmas cd in your car and you have it repeated over and over. We did that each December. Now this year is different. and I'm on my own. I am listening to The Fray's Holiday Ep. I feel this chill in my bones. The tone in Isaac's voice is warm and i can already picture myself driving with the Christmas Ep on repeat and the car heater on my face and everything is beautiful and the grass is gold and the sky is gray. December is coming to a close end. I am so happy I have the day off tomorrow. I want everything to be frozen right now. What I'm feeling right now. Holy cow. My birthday is soon. I came home from work today and you won't believe what I saw. Five glow of lights lined up in a row hovering the sky. and then everywhere else (the lower part of the sky) were tiny sate lights all over. Everything was quiet. No planes no nothing. just those tiny little sate lights moving slowly. I sat out there with my brother and we just freaked out and watched. Maybe it's North Korea, China, or Russia. Or aliens. Or our government? I'm so stupid. But it reminded me so much of that dream I had where I saw the exact thing except everything blew up after that. That was a nightmare. All of that is making me feel like watching Mysterious Skin again. You know that part when..ah yeah nvm hah. I don't know. I don't know. All of that was just identifying and I almost called the police to hear any reports. But thank God I didn't. I am probably just crazy. This ep is good. real good. dnasdioufwehrreyrefhdagyfarahfuwe Merry Christmas.

:)

my front yard used to be so green. i love how quickly it died once autumn left and how i just noticed that today. so gold. so lovely. i took a drive out to see more gold grass because that's beautiful to me and this is how it looked. it was raining all day.

another picture for you,

I don't know if you've had your feelings get in the way from going anywhere. I feel so BLOCKED. No matter how hard I have tried today, I can't explain. i don't even feel the need to talk about it. I am gonna write every thing right now in my journal. I miss. i know i say it each time but this is as close as it gets for now. i think it hit me most when i was watching the recordings today. i started to cry not so much when I watched and listened to the video on my phone of Vienna and the beginning/middle of Happiness. no matter what, last night was incredible. no matter what. "Your it"

1. Isaac Slade
2. Alex Dezen
3. Dan Layus
4. Ace Enders

Musicians and REAL people who are very important to me.

RAHHHHHHHH
I'm going through my playlists on youtube.
and this one reminds me of this time last year.
so. much. I can feel it in my bones. all over.
these musicians are the most beautiful to me. i mean that sincerelyy.
and this Christmas time and new years will be better. i am appreciating it more.




i just want to cry. the sound of these people/musicians are beautiful.
oh oh oh oh BE MY BABY,. and i'll look after you. oh oh oh oh BE MY BABY oh oh oh ohhh.. OH OH OH BE MY BABY AND I'LL LOOK AFTER YOU. ladadaladlaldanvjkdbafjk

i wish i can meet someone in real life who feels what I feel when I hear these people sing. and just when I hear the music stop or these videos stop, it's gone. that feeling i only only only feel when i hear them. it's magic. beautiful. nothing no nothing nothing can change my mind. i'm a little older now but oh my god. it just gets more deeper than before. i'll shake sometimes or just close my eyes and lay my head on my hands. or maybe you have to read this and listen to something beautiful to understand what I feel. ugh I feel ridiculous. but I want to look back on this and remember this feeling. it's so returning. and that right there are those few people/musicians. MAGICAL.



you don't u n d e r s t a n d what this is like for me. maybe you do. yeah maybe,



(JULIA DON'T LISTEN TO THIS. PLEASE. IT'S ON YOUR MIXTAPE.)


i need to take this song on a drive. and i want everything and everyone misty. <3

i want so much right now.
more than I will ever deserve.

Merry Christmas. Thank you

"Oh Jack you see, I felt like your mirror with the wind whipping through my hair."

i can't stop thinking about The Fray.

soon it will be Christmas day.

seven days from today. austin, the fray, winter, christmas. i'm gonna cry..

When you're only 18 And you got nothing to lose

i don't know if you know but it snowed today in Houston. real life snow falling hard from the sky. i never seen anything like it. i think my favorite part was leaving work right on golden hour and rushing home to my camera and driving to the nearest field listening to "sand in your shoes". my boots were soaked with freezing mud. and i took this:




someone close to me used this as her desktop and it made me smile heartily. <3

couches in alleys

I can't see why you'd want to live here.

The Fray were Grammy nominated twice tonight. I feel like crying. My eyes are straining themselves from watering and my throat feels like a knot and I'm overwhelmed of happiness that it hurts. (Every Happiness version I have is on repeat right now and I never missed anything so much.) God I can't wait to revisit them two weeks and a half from now and that our date is close to Christmas or how we'll be in Austin city togethe just like that one time when I turned sixteen. I can't wait for the trip. in every way. and feel the cold on my cheeks while i wait in line and see them just one more time. When I was younger, I imagined what it would be like to see them during Christmas season. I had pictures made up in my head. I love them. I love them. I LOVE THEM.

This was today. I drove to places with her today. She's the closest thing I have to beautiful. after max..heh