I've neglected and abandoned you. I'm sorry! It's just..things have been in transition. We've moved houses and I started my job the same day. Can you believe that?? Here we are..waiting months and it all happens on the same day. Unexpectedly! God works in mysterious ways. I'm just glad we didn't give up and kept believing this was gonna get better. "Life is a struggle, Lyle. That's all it is" That's one of my favorite movie scenes of all time. It's from Manic if you couldn't guess. :) WELL, I'll catch up with you once I'm settled. I'm typing on my wireless cheap acer netbook hunching my back. things couldn't get any better.

close your eyes

You know what blog? I do have patience. I have patience for many things. But right now, I'm nervous. I start work this Saturday. As much as I'm very bad at math, I pray to God I at least don't fail at being a cashier. I haven't felt this worried to start a job in my life. Oh well. I think I'm gonna fail at a lot of other things anyway. I watched Away We Go today. I want to find someone better than Burt or any fictional character I've made for myself. I can't even settle for good. I feel un-normal and sad. I'm so screwed up. Here's to you blog. Story of my life. I think I finally understand the word Soco. In one week (maybe) (hopefully) I am running away. I'm going away to Alabama to see my favorite people in the entire universe. Apart from real life, this will be the best thing I will ever do.

Julia's mixtape came in the mail today. with some goodies from Germany. I genuinely feel like I have the greatest pen pal in the world. I wouldn't choose no other. Well, today was special. :) We've had the idea of giving each other a mixtape since 2007. I'm so glad she has a tape deck in her car. I've always pictured my mixtape being listened to on a long drive anywhere.

You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

I'm gonna make through this year if it kills me

I wonder if I've ever inspired anyone. I hope I have. I feel like I missed out on this year. I haven't had a camera since May. Mostly it's the fact of not having ANY camera with me since then. :/ My camera is broken. The first camera I ever bought in 2006. The only camera that I used onstage with The Fray. It was the shittiest camera but I didn't care. I don't understand how I deserve any of this. I've had this ache inside of me for the longest. I love taking pictures. I know it sounds cliche but I've figured it out. This is what I want to do. This is something that makes me happy. even if I haven't spent much time with a camera this year. But the times that I have, Oh God. This is the only thing I think I'm good at. And those times I've been made fun of by my brothers are gonna make me stronger. That won't make me stop. I want to capture my life on a camera so bad. I won't give up. Just like someone said this summer. Don't give up. It's funny how certain things can keep you going and keep you pushing until you get where you want to be in life.

I got a job yesterday at Walmart. I'll be a cashier getting paid 8.25 per hour. Walmart's policy is that they can't give an employee less than 20 hrs. I'm so happy. There expecting me to make some sort of living with my money. I wonder if they have Walmart in Colorado. That was a joke haha but I want to move there. For college just you know, to check it out. I probably won't stay there forever. I want to move to a lot of places. Mostly California. Things are looking up. The night before finally getting hired, I cried myself to sleep. It was about stupid stuff I've been hating myself for.. lately. I'm a strong girl. I don't want to ever get depressed. So I asked God to show me some hope, reach out to me, let me know that he's with me on this. That I'm not alone. And then Walmart calls me and I get the job. God has always been there for me when I really needed him. I must have deserved all of it since he made it happen. I'm thankful more than anyone knows.

but I'd eat beans if you'd just stay

This blog might start out a little crazy but I just don't want to forget any of it. even if it was all unreal. last night my cousin and I had a dream about I s a a c. ok I KNOW. it sounds stupid but just let me finish here. pleasee. I'm listening to Casiotone For The Painfully Alone "Traveling Salesman’s Young Wife Home Alone On Christmas In Montpelier, VT" The lyrics and melody are ridiculously perfect right now. my dream was weird..yeah it was and what made it weirdly amazing was giggling and smirking and chapstick name writing with him. I don't understand how dreams can just be so blissful and unreal like that. It ruins me. That's what we get for staying up and missing out on a saturday night to stay in and remember July 25th 2009. That sounds like meee. idk. that was my dream. anyway, the weirdest part was waking up to tell my dream to my cousin and she told me she had one of him too. She said this one was strange. she was taking a picture with him and when she reviewed over it, I was her in the photo. Then isaac said something like this along the lines "I didn't mean to cut her out, seriously" he was speaking to me and I wasn't there in her dreams. In real life, she told me I ruined her moment. She also said that was her first dream of..that. you know..him? I felt so sorry. but i also felt a fresh breath of air fill inside of me. I MISS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I MISS EVERYTHING THAT YOU COULD THINK OF. I MISS. But i love feeling this way. i'm working on a mix tape right now.

"here comes the frost that freezes every year
shutter windows hang the Advent calendar
what are you doing on your own with frozen ears
I know we're changing like the trees in Montpelier

you took a job that put you on the road
for days & weeks in motels' sleepy TV glow
with static filtering through pay phones in the snow
it drowns your home by Christmases & love you so's

& all our promises come so easy
they fill distances til our next meeting
but you're always off the phone
long before I'd prefer to be

& I know that we should get some money saved
I've felt the kicking growing in me every day
oh we'll live fat & happy when you get home you will say
but I'd eat beans if you'd just stay

& all our promises are so fleeting
when all I really want is you close to me
but you were already out the door
by the time that occurred to me"

It's the second September I have known you

In about twenty minutes I'm gonna run upstairs to my brother's room and wish him a happy birthday. He'll be twenty. I clearly remember the day he turned eighteen. I wish we could take him out but my mom is working late. We'll still find a way to celebratee. This is the first time anything like this has happened. I know we'll be ok. We're gonna have such better days. Today I was driving in my brother's honda and we were blasting "In My Life" and our lips were moving with the words in timing and i looked over at him and from behind there's a women in her car with her husband and her little boy and they kept staring at us until the lights turned green. I kept singing even though it got awkward for me.