" I think I could accept all these dark colors as just part of some bigger color scheme if it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of
sadness underscoring each smiling scene. Yeah, desire drags me right out of myself like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal.
And I'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side while the flames ripple on the sand and swallow me whole.
But this melancholy that I carry makes me feel so grown up at my kitchen table, doing shots of resignation.
I never thought I'd see the day when I would say "I give up!" and break the stallions of my wildest expectations.
But I do not want to know you this way, surrounded by so much pain.
But how am I supposed to let go of you you this way, like a bird into the sky of my brain?"





hiii, this week I have been blessed.
I am thankful for everything.

Monday: January 26, 2009 : The Fray live @ Kidd Kraddick's morning show. The Fray Live in Concert Dallas, TX
Tuesday: January 27, 2009 : The Fray's new album. Complete track leak on VH1.com. Oh man
Wednesday: January 28, 2009 : My 18th birthday
Thursday: January 29, 2009 : My second year anniversary of seeing The Fray for the second time live in Austin, TX
Friday: Early School Dismissal at 10:30 am
Saturday: @ The Creek with Rachel, eating cake and blowing candles

I am happier than I could be.

I didn't feel lost, I felt secured

January 26, 2009 is a night I will replay in my head over and over again. It 's one of those memories where you ask yourself "Did that
really happen?" "Was I really here?" It all started on a Sunday morning when I sat down with Dad and talked about our plans for tomorrow.
It wasn't my idea to leave that evening but we did. It was the only way it could work out. I had all my things ready feeling sure that I had
everything I needed. We stayed the night at a cheap hotel room. A few miles from the station the guys would be playing at the next morning.
I couldn't sleep. I think I didn't get any sleep at all. I just remember myself lying there in that hotel bed that felt used and all the happy
thoughts I dreamed about were finally hitting me. This powerful feeling of overwhelm ness came over me. That in a couple of hours I would see
Isaac, Joe, Ben and Dave, that in a couple of hours I would meet Melinda and Dawn. That in a couple of hours I'd feel bottled up with words I don't know
how to act to. The next thing I knew I was up getting ready watching the news and texting Melinda. It was cold and rainy outside. I love rainy days
but I remember wishing it was a warm day in the summer. I couldn't have been any happier then I know I would be this year. There I was zooming myself
out of this haze while I pictured myself sitting in the car on my way to the building. It was five am. It happened like I imagined it to be. I was excited to meet Melinda.
We sat and chatted and I managed to make small talk with Dawn. There we were. Waiting with anticipation. We doubted at times that they'd let us come in
and watch but it really happened. We were given a note card with a number. I was number "8" and Melinda number "9". At one point while we waited outside the
door, a man came over and asked how many of us had the cards. I tip toed to peek in and there he was. Isaac looked really warm and cozy sitting there sound
checking looking towards us. In that moment everything blocked out. All I heard was those piano keys and Isaac's speech impediment, as he calls it haha <3. It was real. The doors closed and the man that had came out to ask us about the cards had locked the door. We were escorted in. I kinda let myself get distracted by my surroundings. I held back and watched the guys sit together while fans rushed in to grab seats. Melinda and I even ended up sharing one. I'm kinda sad that I can't remember when Melinda was giving Isaac their bagels but I have an image in my head where Isaac is holding the box about to set it down. The interview was perfect. We shared mostly laughter, and moments I wish lasted forever. I felt so safe in there with them. Like nothing could go wrong. There were times when the station would have breaks and it gave us chances to meet the guys. I just sat there still while I watched Isaac come over to sign phones, and more phones, and mostly just phones all in front of me. Ben, Dave, and Joe were in the background making small talk with the important people. I kinda knew when It was the right time to meet them. The break ended and the guys quickly flew back to there spots. We went at it again, listening and watching closely as Joe and Isaac spoke of the record and other happenings. Break 2 and the important people passed out postcards of the promo picture, made specially for them to sign for us. I held on close to mine and chose to wait until the end of everything to meet them. (I was so nervous) After the interview I felt like those were the boys I've been dreaming about the past couple of years. That as soon as the music flowed out of them I became familiar with the raw emotion I was experiencing right in front of my very own eyes. I took it in like any great fan would do. It was beautiful. I wanted so badly to cry and shout that they complete me and that because of them, I am who I am. But I held my emotions back like a normal person and sat there in awe. What more could I have asked for? I thanked God that I was there. It felt just right to do so. In just a blink of an eye it was over. I got up and felt ready to approach them but I held back once more. There were a couple of fans stealing them away and I let them. I was a nervous wreck. but I finally did it. And the most stupidest thing I did was say nothing. I just couldn't say what I wanted to say. I let it pass me by and I even forgot about the letter in my back pocket and the shout out I wanted Isaac or Joe to say. Happy birthday to me. I'm telling myself there must be a reason I couldn't say anything. I don't think I was nervous when I told them to sign my card but I didn't want to come off to strong. I wanted them to remember me but no, they couldn't. It was the first time meeting Joe. We stood there as we spelled my name out together. He liked my jacket. I remember he had his hand up in the air and I had no idea what he was trying to do but then I realized he wanted a high five lol..So I gave him one. Dave was nice. He kinda sounds sarcastic when he speaks to the random fans but I'm okay with that. I know he's just trying to be friendly. I wanted so badly to tell him The predator script blew me away but again I didn't want to come off to strong. Ben introduced himself to me for the 2nd time. "Hi, I'm Ben." I just chuckled and shook his hand. Last but not least was meeting Isaac. I think back now and I laugh. Just when we were getting ready for the picture he compliments my jacket and how old school it was and I told him "Austin 2006" I'm so stupid...I don't know what I was thinking. It was actually Austin, January 2007. I bet he thought I was wrong and weird for even wearing that haha. but first he made fun of me when I spoke a few words to him. I was so nervous around him. I know he didn't intentionally do it to make me feel bad but I was a wreck. Honest to goodness, I don't remember what happened after that. I think we walked away from each other and I saw dawn showing her glorious poster to him.

I met Holly at the venue. It was nice seeing her and I'm thankful she helped me find my way to the line inside the venue. I was person number "8" in line at the venue hah. Melinda was number "9" lol. Dawn and her daughter and niece were already there. Holly told me she had seen the guys walk inside the building in front of them. I wish I was there earlier to had seen it. The first five people (included dawn, her daughter, niece and these random people that came a long way to watch the show) in line had an exclusive peek of The Fray's sound check. I heard absolute over and over and it was teasing and teasing. There was this weird guy that bought Holly's extra ticket that made small talk with me. I shouldn't have never smiled at him in the first place. I guess he took it as a sign of acceptance and came over to talk. He told me half of his life story and I just listened. He even pulled out his ipod and we listened to Little House. I kinda got annoyed and started to text Melinda who was right next to the both of us, that he was getting annoying and to ask him a question so I can take that nasty ear plug out of my ear and get distracted with something else. He even asked me if something was wrong towards the end. hahaha er. Yeah..YOU. so we get rid of him and we wait in line. While the line was getting really long and we're in the very front, I see him walking up towards me and skips everyone to stand in line with me. HIS BREATH SMELLED LIKE ONIONS. I WAS SO ANNOYED BY HIM. I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO TURN AROUND TO TALK TO HIM. I DON'T KNOW WHO WAS HE KIDDING. BUT OMG.. then this line of people out of nowhere stand next to us and I'm freaking out. That smelly guy asked me what was the lead singer's name and this chik out of nowhere says. "Isaac" and He was look oh coool. and Melinda only moving her eyes to mine makes an ugly face to me because of him hahahaha. I was even texting Holly to tell her how bad this guy was. The show was perfect. It was, it was! and everything about it made my stomach tangle..I just knew so much that no one knew and it was killing me slowly. Say When and Htsal was the most breath taking thing I had ever seen. I wish I had a better view of Isaac but that's how it went. And that's how it goes. I shared many many many glances with Ben and Dan. Never once Joe looked at me but I knew he felt I was. Everything was so great. It was a nice show that they had put on. Second favorite of there's evereverever. Until who knows when. Today is my birthday. The show was the 26th, the leak 27th. The most perfect gift an eighteen year old girl could ask for. <3332867>

every line

it brings me right back down.




I want Natalie Portman to be my best friend. We could sip hot cappuccinos at the diner at 2am. We could sing so loud on the way back home. We could scrapbook our lives as best friends. We'll catch the sunrise and take lots of polaroids of eachother. We could jump on the bed and not feel stupid. Take long walks at midnight. We could feed bread to the birds. We can talk about men and how mean they can be sometimes. We'll drive out to the ocean and just sit there and watch the current. we could bake cookies and watch reruns of The Office. We'll dream about getting away one day. We could pick flowers for each other. I could show you all of the things that I have kept for myself. I'll even give you my favorite seashell. We could get the same bracelets. And go shopping for a pretty summer dress. We could polish each other's nails. Haha this could be perfect.


3 DAYS

...marking each day with a cross

I know it's not your problem but its true
I never have the time of day for you
you Dont have fever
You dont have fever
You dont have fever youve got you

Walk the streets alone
and striking out for home

I dont want other loved ones I want you
I dont want other loved ones I want you

You dont have fever
You dont have fever
You dont have fever youve got you

walk the streets at night
you've been lookin for a fight

Sometimes what youre after's not your fault
Cuz happy ever after's what youre taught

You dont have fever
You dont have fever
you dont have fever you've got you

No one makes you calm though you got people on your arm




FIVE DAYS

Fallin in and out

Happy Inauguration Day! Obama's speech was absolutely amazing. He made me laugh today but in a hopeful kind of way..

man


6 DAYS


I'm so overwhelmed

Jeannette

IS SEEING THE FRAY IN DALLAS. WITH MELINDAAAAA =)


oh my, my hands are shaking.
I don't know if I'm ready for this..

I have to get back to working my ass off around the house.
it's kinda fun cleaning and knowing that you get to see your favorite band in the world in EIGHT DAYS.
oh man..
oh crap
i can't believe it.

the little plastic castle

"Georgia Georgia
It's been many miles since I've seen your fallen smile
Close up and personal, your arsenal of excuses
You never told her when you walked out on the savannah shoulder
With your veins all full of beer,

thinking well at least now everything is clear"





I'm trying to find a way to Dallas. I have no money for gas so I have to figure that out..
The Fray is coming to Texas. I can't think straight, it's ripping my insides up in a very good way. I haven't felt this way since they left me here to wither and now I'm needing to bloom. Except no one feels that but me. The show is two days before my birthday. Just like two years ago. Except they visited a day before my birthday. I keep telling my mom that God wants me to go to the show and that he is the reason for all of this. I always pray to him that if I see The Fray next time, I want it to be special. I could scrapbook about it one day and never forget about this strange love I have for this band..omg. I'm gonna cry..

Only the dead stay seventeen forever

My birthday is coming up. I don't know if it's actually a good thing getting older and actually being called an adult. I want to stay seventeen forever. but when I was sixteen, I didn't want to become seventeen so it's something I fight myself through each year. I learned A LOT this year. If I speak with myself back when I was sixteen, I'd try to teach myself more about music, and art, and friendship, and shows, and cameras. I saw a lot of shows this year. And that's what I'm most grateful for. I met augustana three times, I met ace enders twice, I met Andrew Mcmahon, I met Bobby of The Morning light, I met Christofer Drew, I met Mason Jennings, I met David Johnston on drugs, I saw Conor Oberst, I met Joshua Radin, and other not so important people. I met a lot of new people and called them Friends. My polaroid camera became my best friend. I wrote more letters. I visited the Ocean. I had a job. Moments are things I don't ever want to forget. I read more books. I got in touch with my feelings. I was distant and lazy at one point in that year. I listened to Morrissey in my room on repeat. I sat in the rain. I finally realized why so many people love Bruce Springsteen. I let my hair grow out just so I can be reminded of spring time and The Damnwells. I only had one boyfriend this year and because of him I met a person I never thought could be real and not just in books I read. I became closer to my Pen Pal more than ever. I got my phone back. I lost my job. I became sad but a kind of sad that just takes time..

"Only the dead stay seventeen forever"
I'm ready.

Burnin' every bridge that I cross

A teenage dream's
So hard to beat
Everytime she walks down the street
Another girl in the neighborhood
Wish she was mine, she looks so good

I wanna hold her, wanna hold her tight
Teenage kicks right throught the night

I wanna call her on the telephone
Have her over cos' I'm all alone
I need excitement I need it bad
And she's the best i've ever had

I wanna hold her, wanna hold her tight
And get teenage kicks right throught the night

Maybe you had to be there

I went to Rachel's house after school and we had a picnic at a field near this freezing water stream. We did a lot of hiking and climbing but it was exciting. and then we watched the full moon and the bats fly above us. we collected picture frames that we found, we spotted a tent, a mudslide, seashells, our converse got muddy kind of. I would sit there wishing I had my camera. The skyline was perfect. after that, we went bike riding around the entire neighborhood and more walking. I sat skateboarding and held on a rope tied to Rachel while she pedaled away. I fell off like 20 times hahaha =) I'm gonna charge my camera so we can do it again tomorrow and I can actually take pictures of how perfect it is. I wish you were there =/

I can't wait for March. Ace Enders and The Morning Light
<3
Gotta love the springgg

Is there hope for this?

When you finally fade from those nights you spend
Doing god only knows with your new friends.
When you decide to come back you always can. Oh.
Our lives are separate roads We've picked our separate ways
But this love I've found reminds me every day
That I still believe in you
I still have faith.

I have faith that you'll find your way.
And realize your mistakes.
Cause I can't handle another night alone.

And so I'm tryin to find words to convince you to stay.
Tryin to pick myself up
But you're getting away.
I keep falling down.
The words won't come out.
My tongue twists in circles keeps them trapped in my mouth.
But I need the ocean or it's sand
Or the high that I felt when you first held my hand.
And honey I just can't feel right alone. Alone.

Is there hope for this?
Cause it's you that I miss.
And I can't handle another night alone.

Please stop the sound in the story line.
I'm falling apart
Watch me as I unravel tonight.
And sleep through my changing life.
Cause I can't handle another long goodbye.
Another sleepless night.
This is my story line