If I could make the world as pure and strange as what I see, I'd put you in the mirror,
I put in front of me.

October is over? No, this can't be happening.

i feel n o t h i n g

i might've borrowed a camera. since my scanner doesn't work there's that max polaroid I think you would love. It has that precious light leak that came out of nowhere. then there's memory lane. Hopefully you can click on it and you can expand it to see clearer. i collected that leaf on 10th street in the heights. I grew up spending my childhood times there. Now everytime I visit I keep thinking I might run into Cameron Dezen. (Alex Dezen's sister) I remember when she came out on stage back in November 06 when The Damnwells were opening for The Fray and I yelled out to everyone that she was my choir teacher. I don't know what I was thinking. Oh also :
hah this camera.

I've been listening to alot of REO Speedwagon lately on my way to work.

i can't wait to leave.

But isolation pushes you 'til every muscle aches down the only road it ever takes

today after work I took a polaroid of a street sign called "Memory Ln" It made me smile. We drove by it and I knew I had to stop the car. :) That means I have four polaroids left. I'm saving them for when I see Brand New on Halloween night. It's gonna be at the Verizon Wireless Theater. I love that place. The first time I ever went there was the first time I met Isaac. It's never quite the same whenever I revisit though. For me, it's kinda dead. Like weeping willow kinda dead, if that makes sense. Anyway, I'm hoping I can party after that. Now would be a good time.

Cause everything I need is written on your face

that was Dave's recommendation of music to me today. :) I haven't felt this overwhelmed since I got their myspace comment in February 2007. I think it's the best feeling to be recognized from my favorite people. :) I feel like i'm waking up in a dream. ah, it's so funny how I've been recommending stuffff lately. Like for instance my oldest brother finally finished reading Catcher in The Rye today. I'm so glad I got him to read it. and now I got Dave to listen to Cocorosie's song "animals". it's wild. :) I haven't stopped listening to Sea Wolf hah. Especially since it gives off this perfect winter mood. i love it. :)

i saw the birds fly south today. i can't wait for the next time they come back.

Two faces

Keep one in your bag

i love you

until you disappear in the morning light

London bridge and it made you weep

"I tell you baby when you get back home
We'll catch a train and we're headin South"

Joe Purdy in Austin on Dec 20. SHOULD I GO? i don't know. unless something more important came up. ugh but whatever. :( a long december by the counting crows just came up on my shuffle. the days go by so fast. it's been so long since I've seen the ocean. i haven't written this on blog format but Augustana is coming to Houston the same night Meese is. It ruins me. Meese is my priority. I need to add up more shows. I've only been to two. Third time's a charm hah. ah i'm so cheesy. I can't wait to hug them. I'm gonna hug them. and I'm not gonna let go. and I can't wait to tell them things. The Damnwells are gonna work on a winter record. This is something I can't wrap my head around. I have things to look forward to.

hold me cause i'm lonely without you

this might sound weird and funny but the air smelled so good today. i wish you were there to smell it hah. and my hair. oh man, my hair. it smelled like grass because i laid there after watching where the wild things are and howled up to the trees with max. just like in the movie. :) i don't know if you've ever smelled grass on you. but it' a nice thing. everything felt right you know. fitting and safe. i checked the mail and Julia's letter came and my pack of polaroid film. I waitied very long for it to come. it made me so damn happy. 'round here' has been stuck in my head today. and other stufff. :) I guess October IS my favorite month and this year it's more than magical. it's love. and all of that for me makes the world a lot less uglier. i need a car to get away. and i want my perfect mix cd playing in the background and i want to collect all my feelings of right now and keep it tucked away for whenever i feel this way again. i love revisiting old thoughts and having new ones. it makes me love life. i sound crazy.
i have a red mark on my face. max scratched me.

SO I HUGGED HER NECK
AND SAID I'M SORRY FOR
THE WAY I'VE BEEN, SHE SAID
AW, THAT'S OKAY

INTO MY SHOULDER SHE SAID
OH OH OH OH NOW THAT I'M
OH OH OH OLDER, THE
DISTANCES ON MAPS
HAVE GOT SMALLER
AND PROMISES OF
HAPPINESS
STALLED

I WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN

i feel like my life has owned up to just two things.
i never really thought about owing my life away.

If you were a season, you would be in bloom
I wish I had good reason to see you soon
No need to convince me that you were a catch
I bought my ticket and so at last

this was hard to swallow

remember that

time heals everything.

"when your set out to do something you kinda weigh the risks of how much it's gonna cost and what it's gonna require of you and if that's something you can afford. you go for it. at the beginning of this band when we started out,
i guessed what it was gonna be like, how hard it was gonna be,
and thought it'd be worth it and run after it you know. and it's cost a lot more than i thought it would. personally, relationally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. it's a lot more draining than anybody
ever told me it would be. nobody ever told me this would be your life. everything you do. but i definitely
get the sense that people in visible situations that are far more famous than us, are very alone in there
experience, that most people don't have any idea what it costs of your transparency and your vulnerability to people
you've never met. and i make it sound kind of bleak but all that to say i think it's worth it, i'd do it again in a heartbeat."

PS.

I spent my whole day today as a recovered alcoholic seeing my dad getting baptized. Then we played baseball with all the cool guys and it was so so much fun. Because I kept hitting all the balls and life was good. and precious because i felt alive.

your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation

My cousin and I did a whole bottle of Tequila and I didn't feel bad about it. This is something that happened and it's happening now and it's not gonna keep happening because I didn't really like my first true hangover. It felt horrible. I wanted to die the next day. All I kept doing was gagging and I felt gross. I guess it took me a full day to recover. I'm just gonna lay it out on here. because I want to remember me and all the stupid stuff. We dranked at the back of her house at around 1am while we sat outside in the cold with our two bottle shots and lemons/salt and it was ok because we talked about life and I had this beautiful view of a field behind her house and it was pitch black and the only thing lit was the moon. i remember a little after all that. but i don't remember most of what happened. I do remember when i was trying to get up my body was so limp and my head kept hitting the cement. I didn't really feel anything. but when I got up to sneak inside I broke a glass and made all this obvious noise and i was ruining everything. she told me she tried to pick me up to take me but i was so limp that i layed on the kitchen floor like an new drunk and started to crawl to her bed. i crawled and i got on and passed out. the next day was hell. it was the worst day of my life this year. just the thought of how I felt about everything makes me want to never drink again. i probably won't any more pahaha RAHHHH!!! i had to drive the next morning to get us something to eat and the low fuel light was on and i remember it being on the last time we drove that car. and we still managed to drive 3-4 miles while i was sick.

I sat in Max's red dog house with him and we watched the rain fall hard. I wish I had my camera, my cons were all wet and dirty and he had his head underneath my legs. it's also getting cold outside. which is nice because I love being cold and wearing hoodies. October, you are the best.

I love racing my eyes on a drive. Lately my focus are on street names. :) I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize that they give me inspiration too. There are so many random ones hah but my most favorite is Lion's Gate. I hope if I ever have a street name it will be just as cool as that one. Max has been running wildly instead of freely. He started chasing a neighbor kid on his bike today. Then I ran and started panting and shouting his name to come back. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to walk him without a leash. It kinda reminds me of Away We Go when Ln says "I LOVE my babies. Why would I want to PUSH them away from me?"

It's clear you have a death wish
And from what I hear, your latest dish
Lives for you, and scares you half to death

You bend over backwards to make a statement
Hang from the rafters and lick the pavement
Split your lip and barely catch your breath

Your lovely eyes, they close like petals
Your sweet surprise could win you medals
You strut your stuff and fan your peacock feathers

Even if you fake it to get attention
Whatever it'll take to get them to listen
Piss on your designer boots and designer leathers


Hey Little Rock Star, what don't you see
This is not all that it's cracked up to be
And I can't say I blame you
For throwing the towel in or buying more fame
by cashing your chips in
But with all of your talent, and so much to gain
To toss it away like that would be such a shame

Juvenile delinquent, misunderstood
Peter Pan and Robin Hood
Will you ever do the things you're afraid to do

Will you ever know happiness, Little Rock Star
Or is your death wish stronger than you are
Will you go up in flames like the torches
that are carried for you

Hey little rockstar

Yesterday Rachel came over and she painted my walls with Polaroids. I had to finish up the rest with posters. I didn't really do a great job. She lives so much closer to me now. When I have days off I'm gonna ride my bike to her house. She has a ferret. I'm not walking Max with a leash. He's so young and has so much energy in him. I let him free. He runs so fast all over. Only when I call him does he follow me. I have the window open and I'm watching the leaves fall. It's soo so nice. I wish I didnt have to go to work.
that's Julia's letter. and the posters in the back are falling apart. I'm gonna use thumbtacks insteadd.

last nght i had a dream that Liz and I went to a show to see The Fray together and my friends were there and they be traded me because I didn't pay any attention to them. That concert was the best. After the show my be traded friends left me to find the guys theirselves and me and liz (who were quite the pair) sneeked inside the department store where they were having lunch at. or something. and once we got in we had to go inside this door and but there were two ladies supervising the entry. I think once Liz crawled to the door (lololol) one of the lady's was in the bathroom and the other lady was turned the other way. so then it was my turn to sneak. but in my dream an asain little boy named Deshi appeared. and i told him to hush and not say anything. i wish i could have told him to distract the ladies instead. adfjkaig. so then i never had the chance to crawl and cross over to the door. then it was time for them to go and she did a search and found me and told me she was taking away my card for any of the entrances. i think deshi must've told on me. then i left. i woke up and fell back to sleep and i saw liz and we found the guys eating and i had this ball or something that i wanted them to sign just for the hell because i wanted a reason to see all of them. but then i was so worried about liz and taking pictures of her and letting her stuff get signed that i told isaac i would be back in a little bit since liz was going to get pictures taken with dave. i came back and he was gone.

i gave back the t-shirt that you'd always wear
i went by your work & just left it there
all the leaves are brown
& it's autumn now

it was a summer fling
don't take it personal or anything
you can wear your heart on your sleeve
but pull your sweater over

no more kisses under shooting stars
no more rides on the handlebars
no more drive-ins
in the back seat of your parents' car

it was a summer fling
& it didn't mean anything
& you can cry your eyes out on the phone
oh yeah

Your lovely eyes, they close like petals your sweet surprise could win you medals

Having day dreams at night are my favorite. Especially when I'm feeling very sleepy and I just had the longest day of my life hah. It's nice. And then you just let out a very sweet sigh and your ready to lay in your cozy bed to dream. have two days off. My polaroid film should be coming in the mail shortly. I can't wait to just come home from work and walk over to the horses to pet them and take pictures of them. I need one of Max too. He won't stay this beautiful forever. I'm listening to Lucinda Willams. She's so lovely.

And your voice cracks like a piano

I wrote a letter about my day yesterdayyy. October 1st. October. OCT. I taped my posters and polaroids up on my wall mainly. I went to three different walgreen's just so they can tell me Polaroid film has discontinued from their warehouses. My wall is slanted. :/ It seems like a drunk person did it hah. But I like itttt. a lot. :) I'm so exhausted of working. My hours are only getting worse. :( I'm working 8hrs a day and I'm not used to that. I'm so tiny don't you know? But this is something I have to do. Soon, I'll be livin the dream. I will start college soon. But I gotta go. Now that I have money I'm in the mood for beef jerky and ice cream. Brand New on Halloween night! FUCK WALMART. and their rude customers. I will never say anything more than just a "hi." Unless your old and sweet. SIGH. I just remembered I have to walk Max. He's SUCH a baby. cjkabgrguiua but I miss you. I love you. Thanks, really. It means so much.