Its humid and hot in Texas and I can't bike anywhere without getting net bugs all over my face and shirt.

If you see these tears fill in my eyes
It's just the wind that makes me cry
If you could feel this pain inside
It's from the drinks we drank last night

I've been emotional lately. It's the kind of emotion you hide so people don't see how you're feeling. and it isn't over major things revolving my life, it's more like tearing up over small casualties and feeling all of that inside of me and seeing it in everyone and playing out certain kinds of scenes in my head. It's hard to be tough when I have so much weakness in me. So i've been walking around with this fake ego and trying so hard not to crack. i'm just trying to be someone and maybe someone will actually find me normal. I can't believe that at 22 years old I'd act this way but I can't change who I am. I want to fast forward time, honestly I do. IDK because then I wouldn't want to miss out on the good stuff like, getting somewhere in Life. Do I want wrinkles just yet or saggy breasts and menopause and all the other things that come with getting old, because I can't get enough of hearing it from them. I'm scared.

The flower of the Alps told the seashell: “You’re shining”
The seashell told the sea: “You echo”
The sea told the boat: “You’re shuddering”
The boat told the fire: “You’re glowing brightly”
The fire told me: “I glow less brightly than her eyes”
The boat told me: “I shudder less than your heart does when she appears”
The sea told me: “I echo less than her name does in your love-making”
The seashell told me: “I shine less brightly than the phosphorus of desire in your hollow dream”
The flower of the Alps told me: “She’s beautiful”
I said: “She’s beautiful, so beautiful, she moves me

Ben Wysocki noticed my Instagram today. That is all.

I think the worst part of today was finding out Walgreens doesn't develop 35mm film instantly anymore. I'm losing all hope.

bastard of midnight

i'm having this moment where everything is moving so fast and i just want to freeze time because i'm not ready to move forward. i feel stuck and i don't feel like I should and i'm lost and confused and alone and there's nothing holding me together. I feel like i've lost a limb and it's so hard to do this. i've neglected so many things and i have changed so much but there's a part of me that doesn't want to grow up. and even though i fucked everything up, i have so much hope inside of me. hope that everything is going to get better and that i'm not always going to feel this emotional about people leaving and always being let down. i don't know what happened to me. i used to stand up tall all by myself and i have forgotten to remind myself for that. i wish i had someone to tell me everything is going to be ok.

Tomorrow I turn 22. I am so happy that I am finally getting older. That's how I feel hah :)

Isn't it strange how things can change you?

4 years ago today. I wish so bad I could wake up and relive that moment.