she's my favorite mixtape.

2011-05-20T12:04:00.001-05:00

Let’s let go from the get go.

Let go let God.
Let it go.
Leave it alone.
Let it pass.
Let it be.
Laissez-faire.
C’est la vie.
What’s done is done.
Hang up on it.
Land the plane.
Don’t get on that train.
The bus has already left.
This too shall pass.
Shake it off.
Cut your losses.
Bust loose.
Break free.
It’s water under the bridge.
What comes around goes around.
Go around.
Get over it.
Get it together.
Get a grip.
Get moving.
Keep moving.
Move on.
Move forward.
Forward.
March.
Give it a rest.
Stop.
Drop it.
Squash it.
Release.
Please.
Relax.
Spilled water cannot be poured back.
Don’t look back.
Enough is enough.
Stand down.
Stay still.
Be quiet.
Quit dwelling.
Yield.
Forget it.
Forgive it.
Right now.
As is.
You will be given back the years that the locusts have taken.

- Buddy Wakefield

2011-05-11T17:59:00.000-05:00

I can't find my phone. I went on an adventure with my friend Cameron today. His red hair really makes me smile and his freckles suit him. I took pictures of him all day and we ate sonic and i dropped off my disposable and now I have more pictures to hang on my wall. I am so happy.

2011-05-04T13:50:00.003-05:00

I turned in my portfolio today. i felt so weird turning it end and realizing that it's over. i learned so much and i can't wait to take photo 2. After class was over me and the gang went out to eat mexican food. I didn't want to go but everyone wanted me to go and i couldn't hesitate. idk, i felt like everything was going to be alright. :) summer will be good this year. I am already going to hang out with a few good friends and i am counting on that to make my summer. I think Proffesor Barr, enjoyed me in his class. I think he knows something. He is always smiling at me and it makes me happy. I can't wait to be inspired. I hope I continue to meet new people and take pictures of each moment. Honestly, i just want to be happy. I need to remember what's real and what's not.

2011-04-28T08:17:00.002-05:00

Last night I went to Market Street in the woodlands. That place reminds me so much of my friend anna and the fray. I'm having this memory when anna drove me there and we ate crepts and we thought we saw a famous actor. I forgot his name since it has been so long. and when anna walked in on this lady when she was using the restroom. i remember we laughed so hard. I miss that summer. I remember the rainy nights that we would stay up until 5 am playing sims and driving to walmart to pick up supplies for our scrapbook. we wanted to add so much to it. i already had polaroids and we printed out pictures of us together haha. i remember when anna invited me to the park to watch a concert and we ate strawberries and french food. and when we watched all her home videos with her mom and anna told me stories of her grandpa. and we played the wii, and then when my old best friend adam came over and we all hung out. and that get together we had on 4th of july. adam got so high and we all ate crappy hotdogs haha. oh and the first dinner i had at her house. it was an amazing experience staying at a french person's house. oooh and when me and anna got a little drunk and we cried. it was fun while it lasted and i can say that it was the most fun I have ever had with someone. I wish she didn't go to school in dallas. i wish we stayed friends forever. Anna if you're reading this, we really really really need to hang out again.

2011-04-27T08:26:00.002-05:00

I am seeing Augustana next month and it will be good. I think this will be the 7th or 8th time I will see them. I need to make a lists of the many times I've seen my favorite people. I had one but i think it's lost. My room is piled up with so many memories of earlier days. I need to remember them. and I also need to send julia the box of letters so she can laminate them into a book. We've been thinking about doing it for four years now. and that tattoo. "Picture this forever" I can't wait for everything to begin. For sometime I have been forgetting about what I truly desire and that's taking photographs. I have let myself get caught up in the real world that I have forgotten how to dream a little bit. I have decided I will close my eyes and let these past few months go to sleep and I will dream again. And I will also write in here more often.

2010-10-18T21:28:00.001-05:00

Thank YOU Alex Dezen for making my dream come true.

this band. this song. right now.

2010-10-07T22:32:00.001-05:00

2010-10-02T21:36:00.001-05:00

this song last autumn will be this year's too.

"I dreamt about you last night, and I fell out of bed twice"

2010-10-02T09:07:00.002-05:00

I almost dreamt of you last night. It looked just like you.

2010-10-01T14:59:00.002-05:00

My 50 mm came in the mail today. I am so happy right now. I love you so much October. You are the most special month for me. Oh. man. Oh. man.

And sad the time I tried to find a way to occupy a way since you been away

2010-10-01T12:24:00.000-05:00

Hey Jack it's me, I don't mean to bother you but somethings been on my mind.

2010-09-30T22:19:00.004-05:00

You're back in my head and all of a sudden everything else has lost meaning. Can't you see that I'm at the end of my rope. I don't have you anymore to keep me on my feet. I want to see things again and smile and not feel sad all the time. I want to forget everything else that doesn't matter and have you push me forward. Can't you see that all I want is for you to be around. My eyes are foggy. I've been crying. And it's been ten months. I've tried everything. I realize that nothing can make me as happy as you. I need to hear you soon or I'll go crazy. I've never been this empty in my life. I honestly feel like I've been robbed of something. God, your eyes haunt me still. and right now, flashes of you fill my mind as I sit here and wait. I have been so patient. Be here. now. :(

2010-08-09T16:59:00.001-05:00

2010-06-27T19:48:00.000-05:00

Getting on the greyhound to my grandma's for a week. i'm stoked.

2010-06-23T14:56:00.000-05:00

2010-05-27T21:18:00.001-05:00

After the show you walked right past.
Arms reached out for your autograph.
And as you flashed your backstage pass.
I caught your eye with a camera's flash.
When the band came out they stood behind you.
Cymbals crashed, the lights went blue.
You stood alone in the halo's haze.
Shiny guitar hung on gold lamé.
And you, you were the lonely one.
You were the lonely one.
When you perform it's so intense.
When the critics pan I write in your defense.
I understand I'm just a fan, I'm just a fan.
When I get home I turn off the alarm.
I've checked the phone, no messages on.
I play the ones from yesterday.
I play your song just to hear you say that....
You, you're the lonely one.
You are the lonely one.
You, you're the lonely one.
You are the lonely one.

2010-05-26T02:12:00.001-05:00

2010-05-13T19:51:00.001-05:00

I can’t remember all the times I’ve tried to tell myself to hold onto these moments as they pass

2010-05-11T15:27:00.001-05:00

Well, they blew up the chicken man in philly last night
Now, they blew up his house, too
Down on the boardwalk they're gettin ready for a fight
Gonna see what them racket boys can do

Now, there's trouble bustin in from outta state
And the d.a. can't get no relief
Gonna be a rumble out on the promenade
And the gamblin commissions hangin on by the skin of his teeth

Well now, evrything dies, baby, that's a fact
But maybe evrything that dies someday comes back
Put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty
And meet me tonight in atlantic city

Well, I got a job and tried to put my money away
But I got debts that no honest man can pay
So I drew what I had from the central trust
And I bought us two tickets on that coast city bus

Now, baby, evrything dies, honey, that's a fact...

Now our luck may have died and our love may be cold
But with you forever I'll stay
Were goin out where the sands turnin to gold
Put on your stockins baby, `cause the nights getting cold
And maybe evrything dies, baby, that's a fact
But maybe evrything that dies someday comes back

Now, I been lookin for a job, but it's hard to find
Down here it's just winners and losers and don't
Get caught on the wrong side of that line
Well, Im tired of comin out on the losin end
So, honey, last night I met this guy and Im gonna
Do a little favor for him

Well, I guess everything dies, baby, that's a fact...

so this is where you are and this is where i've been

2010-05-03T21:03:00.004-05:00

I love thin warbly voices. There's just something really wonderful about that kind of expression. It's real. maybe that's why i enjoy live shows so much. I love telling if they really mean what they sing. I adore it for everything that it is. Of all these few records I've collected, my most favorite would have to be How To Save A Life. I just identified with this album so much when I was 15. It was this elusive period of time in my life and I don't really want to talk about any of it. It's embarrassing hah. But that album did it for me in highschool. It got me through all the hard stuff that I didn't ever think would end. I have absolute respect for it. Every line is so good. Part of it is nostalgia but the other part is just that it's an amazing album. It's a record I would love having framed. It's beautiful. I can't think of anything more else to say. I'm listening to it on my turntable and God, it sounds fresh as the day I first heard it. I hope I can go to OK in June to see them. I am doing everything I can.

2010-04-30T02:22:00.001-05:00

“Once in a life, if a person chooses to go through these things, then maybe the act of writing them down could be a gift, so that others might know that should they suffer their romances or their love of things, they’re not alone.”

- Ryan Adams

2010-04-28T23:53:00.002-05:00

Currently reading The Fountainhead starting tonight. (:

2010-04-28T15:25:00.001-05:00

Since november, it's been raining.

2010-04-28T04:27:00.002-05:00

I woke up understated

A simple feeling, aimed at you
And my love's gone underrated
A simple feeling, aimed at you

And it took me ages to figure out what I was supposed to know
All the sordid details of your final blow by blow

This is a hymn for you, this is a song for you... (x9)

2010-04-27T13:54:00.007-05:00

that picture by the amazing artist Zach Johnson

and this cover by Regina Spektor.

5HRS and 30 mins if I travel to OK to see The Fray. I gotta make this work

2010-04-25T02:44:00.001-05:00

omg

You haunt my dreams like the sweet refrain of my favorite song.

2010-04-23T23:12:00.009-05:00

I want to run away and not look back. I want to have no plans except to keep going. I want to meet strange new people and have conversations that change me. I watched The Holiday today. My favorite part was when Graham admits to Amanda that he's a major weeper. Kinda like me. "A good book, a great film, a birthday card, I weep." haha. I think I look nice in black. I've been listening to Ray LaMontagne. I'm picking out a tripod tomorrow for my canon. I didn't tell you about my dreams. I keep having these dreams of you and I wake myself out of them. Kinda like when I stop myself from seeing you. Don't ever let me leave you. I want to dance. I want to be spun in circles and be carried away. I love you Dirty Dancing. I want to feel wind blow me away. I want Ray on my record player. I want to be swooned. at all times. I can't wait for Summer.

alone and I'm in between...

2010-04-22T23:49:00.007-05:00

Sometimes I don't know if I should hate myself for always spending every second trying to bring myself back to those days. I just feel so numb all of a sudden. I don't want to be like everyone else. Someone made me a mix cd so I'm gonna take a bike ride to the woods and listen to that. I haven't listened to any of those songs that have significantly changed me. Maybe that's why I don't feel like myself. I am nineteen years old. nineteen. I don't believe it. I still have a lot to learn and I don't want to be sorry about that. I can't believe May is almost here either.

we're only taking turns.

2010-04-22T23:37:00.000-05:00

I haven't heard a thing you've said
In at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?

2010-04-21T01:41:00.002-05:00

“then we can age and fall away
and meet again some golden day
and fill it in our happy way
in starlight and in gold”

sort it out.

2010-03-28T15:16:00.006-05:00

I am happy right where I am. I mean it. I wish I could be this happy for 50 years or so..it counts. Most assuredly. If I could be this girl that I am when your close by then holy crap. I see more when I'm blessed. because this is the way. I imagine what? Being there. numero uno agh.

2010-03-21T22:23:00.002-05:00

I don't want to be here anymore. I am so sick of living in this city. I am sick of being here. I want to run away. I don't care anymore.

i've been missing them.

2010-03-11T20:39:00.000-06:00

2010-02-24T22:12:00.000-06:00

i can't keep living in this dead or dying dream.

2010-02-17T23:45:00.001-06:00

And I can’t,
breathe
without you,
but I have to,
breathe
without you,

2010-02-15T23:05:00.000-06:00

I spent the winter diving to the bottom.

2010-02-14T16:16:00.000-06:00

there's a distance in your eyes only mine can see.

2010-02-13T19:58:00.003-06:00

It's always hard to be the one left behind.

2010-02-10T00:14:00.001-06:00

Build me a home inside your song

2010-02-08T12:42:00.000-06:00

i just assumed that you eventually would ask

Bottom of the River

2010-02-04T20:34:00.001-06:00

Well I am in love with something invisible
And though no one can make sense of where it's from,
I'm sure as all my bones
So lay my head and feet to point north and south
I will try to be a compass if you smile
and deign to take me home

I will lay on the bottom of that river
Spending my time where old sorts go to die
Engulf the fish at the bottom of that river
Lift a song into the night
So that the moon won’t have to die

I will collect all the hammers and I will make them ring
When the slowly swollen eyes are not enough
And I will walk down the road until I can hear her sing
She can pass her coded message through my clothes
And assure me that she’s sure

I will lay on the bottom of that river
Spending my time where old sorts go to die
Engulf the fish at the bottom of that river
Lift a song into the night
So that the moon won’t have to die

Well come up slow
And drag your voice out into the light
With the rough cover it provides you to shine
Now here we go down the hill fast faster no keel no bow
Though you can smell them in my blood, forget the start
Cause they’re all dead by now

I will lay on the bottom of that river
Spending my time where old sorts go to die
Engulf the fish at the bottom of that river
Lift a song into the night
So that the moon won’t have to die

2010-02-03T22:04:00.003-06:00

2010-02-02T19:24:00.001-06:00

i am so lucky.

i am so predictable and i hate myself

2010-01-31T00:09:00.000-06:00

And it starts, sometime around midnight.
Or at least that’s when you lose yourself
for a minute or two.
As you stand, under the bar lights.
And the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while.
And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile.
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her for a while.

But you know, that she’s watching.
She’s laughing, she’s turning.
She’s holding her tonic like a cross*.
The room’s suddenly spinning.
She walks up and asks how you are.
So you can smell her perfume.
You can see her lying naked in your arms.

And so there’s a change, in your emotions.
And all these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.

Then she leaves, with someone you don’t know.
But she makes sure you saw her.
She looks right at you and bolts.
As she walks out the door,
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes.
Oh and when your friends say,
“What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Then you walk, under the streetlights.
And you’re too drunk to notice,
that everyone is staring at you.
You just don’t care what you look like,
the world is falling around you.

You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You know that she’ll break you in two.

2010-01-26T21:26:00.001-06:00

2010-01-26T01:06:00.004-06:00

I went driving today and as soon as I sat in my car, I noticed how quickly the sun felt hitting my knees and how it felt hitting the back of my neck and how it gave off this nice warm summer smell. I don't know how to explain it hah. It was just so warm and it reminded me of being a kid and falling asleep in the backseat on really hot days. I'm so excited to drive in my car during the summer. like today i had the windows down for the first time. I smell spring badly. I was waking on a little board walk earlier and it was warm out and there was a little fountain and it just smelled so good. the way water is suppose to smell on summer days y'know? :) I was so tempted to sit there and stick my feet in. It hasn't been this beautiful since October. I'm excited for some sun again. Well anyway, I just found out that Rushmore the movie was filmed in Houston, TX. I recognize the schools and well I want to go and check it out. I'm so excited for this. I now have actual lists of cool places I want to visit in this city.

2010-01-25T20:54:00.001-06:00

I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you

2010-01-18T22:07:00.004-06:00

i listened to the fray on vinyl todayy. i wrote about it and i recorded a little cllip of how it was like. i wish i can listen to it everyday. i’m so happy right now. here watch this, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyMeyDg22lM i hope you love it. PS, 10 days left before I turn 19. I'm gonna cry.

2010-01-17T21:37:00.004-06:00

well i just pressed play for the first time on my record player. i waited so long to hook up my dad's amp for this. i can't believe i waited this long. why?! i cried. i didn't mean to. it just started coming. i sat there and just watched the record spin and so were my thoughts. i felt like i had to. if you only knew how much i loved the moment i first heard the static sparkle. and to hear conor's voice sing about perfection and music and capturing a moment on camera. i can't wait for tomorrow. i have a day off and i'm officially just gonna lay in my room and listen to the entire noise floor album and the fray's htsal and self title. and simon and garfunkel's bookends. God. there's no way im not missing out on this. now all i need is an amazing set of headphones. siiigh. i love music.

“So would you sing with me
The song is all I know
Some truths are told now only in a melody
So I’ve been writing a new one
Yeah, I’ve been taking my time with it
It’s gonna be so perfect
It’s gonna hold all of us inside of it
You will see
If you just add your harmony
I think it would be complete
And be worthy of singing
Becomes a symphony

Yeah, you’re the cool of the water
You’re the start of the summer
Keep me still like a anchor
In a storm you’re the cellar
When I’m heavy with worry make me light as a feather
When I’m deafened by anger you’re the song I remember
With the grace of a dancer and the strength of a pillar
When I’m starving to suffer you just fill me with laughter
You’re a poet
And a saint
You are the only one I choose to imitate
Oh, like the love of a father through the eye of a camera
It’s this picture I have seen
We’re on a sloping hill of green
And you are walking there beside me
”

— Entry Way Song - Bright Eyes

Vinyl Only :)

2010-01-11T22:41:00.005-06:00

I'm watching the Simpson's 20th anniversary special right now.

here's a picture for you,

2010-01-10T11:53:00.002-06:00

skyping with julia and reading our letters over to each other. that has to be my FAVORITE. there is nothing like it.

2010-01-08T21:30:00.000-06:00

Been thinking about you
Your record's a hit
Your eyes are on my wall
Your teeth are over there
But I'm still no one
And you're my star
What do you care?

Been thinking about you
And there's no rest
Should I still love you
Still see you in bed
But I'm playing with myself
What do you care?
When the other men are far far better

All the things you've got
All the things you need
Who bought you cigarettes
Who bribed the company to come and see you honey?

I've been thinking about you
So how can you sleep
These people aren't your friends
They're paid to kiss your feet
They don't know what I know
And why should you care
When I'm not there

Been thinking about you
And there's no rest
Should I still love you
Still see you in bed
But I'm playing with myself
What do you care?
When I'm not there.

All the things you've got
That you'll never need
All the things you've got
I've bled and I'd bleed to please you
... honey

Been thinking about you..

2010-01-05T12:37:00.001-06:00

you slow me down.

2010-01-03T21:32:00.002-06:00

i...don't know what to write in my fray notebook.

2009-12-31T10:47:00.003-06:00

most importantly this year. and going back to the beginning and realizing what really mattered to me and how admirable all of it was for me. and then now. and how it'll be gone and the way i feel right now. i don't want this year to end. but I'm secretly excited about new things and more real moments and turning nineteen and being younger.

You're not pulled but led.

2009-12-30T11:01:00.005-06:00

i'm starting a memory book of him. i know it sounds funny but it's gonna be different. i'm gonna print up my favorite moments, i'm gonna add lyrics and snippets of his own words that remind me of them, and polaroids, and it will secretly be my memory book that I will just pull out one day to remember and laugh to myself. I'm gonna start thinking of ways what to name it. and who knows maybe one day I won't be afraid to show it to anyone. I thought of this when I was editing a screen cap from that moment in Austin when Happiness was over and the snow was falling. i was adding more snow to picture. it's so perfect. In a little bit, I'm gonna head over to pick up my cousin. I promised her Starbucks and to jam to all my Fray albums. PS, meeting Melissa had to been one of my favorite things about this year. Talk more later. Bye

2009-12-26T23:07:00.002-06:00

I'm gonna finally hang out with a Denver person. I get to meet Melissa for the first time. I am so excited for this moment. I think it's special for me since she's a big fan of The Fray & Meese and I've known her over a course of three years. I first saw her show up everywhere once I got into Meese. I can't wait to meet her in real life. She's so important. I want to take her to the Carnival and we can spend the whole day there and get on all the rides. It would be such an ice breaker and I can't picture having any awkward moments. I'm excited. I'm gonna take my camera with me and maybe drive my car and we can follow each other and ah just so much fun. I can't wait to talk and get to know each other.

2009-12-25T21:58:00.004-06:00

Hey, I know this is late but I treated myself for Christmas and finally got around to ordering The Fray's Htsal and the self title both on Vinyl. :) :) :) :) :) :) ugh, man.
Merry Christmas..

spring forward, fall back down.

2009-12-22T11:44:00.004-06:00

There was this moment that I didn't tell you about on December 16th. The show was over and the snow was falling from the cieling and all the lights were turned on and Isaac was just standing there and he was looking up and his eyes were smiling. I remember turning around watching it fall and then turning back to look at him. That was the best goodbye. It made me feel infinite. I have a list of a few moments on paper down that have made me feel infinite in my life. that moment is number 1. I'm listening to Left and Leaving and that part in the song where he goes "Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me" ha. So fitting. I'm going to the eye doctor to pick up my glasses. I need them while I drive.

2009-12-21T23:44:00.001-06:00

And she told me she can't give up.

Cause she needs someone,

How she needs someone.

And she told me she's come this far

To believe in love

where are you now?

2009-12-21T21:39:00.003-06:00

it's that time of year. When you pop in that Christmas cd in your car and you have it repeated over and over. We did that each December. Now this year is different. and I'm on my own. I am listening to The Fray's Holiday Ep. I feel this chill in my bones. The tone in Isaac's voice is warm and i can already picture myself driving with the Christmas Ep on repeat and the car heater on my face and everything is beautiful and the grass is gold and the sky is gray. December is coming to a close end. I am so happy I have the day off tomorrow. I want everything to be frozen right now. What I'm feeling right now. Holy cow. My birthday is soon. I came home from work today and you won't believe what I saw. Five glow of lights lined up in a row hovering the sky. and then everywhere else (the lower part of the sky) were tiny sate lights all over. Everything was quiet. No planes no nothing. just those tiny little sate lights moving slowly. I sat out there with my brother and we just freaked out and watched. Maybe it's North Korea, China, or Russia. Or aliens. Or our government? I'm so stupid. But it reminded me so much of that dream I had where I saw the exact thing except everything blew up after that. That was a nightmare. All of that is making me feel like watching Mysterious Skin again. You know that part when..ah yeah nvm hah. I don't know. I don't know. All of that was just identifying and I almost called the police to hear any reports. But thank God I didn't. I am probably just crazy. This ep is good. real good. dnasdioufwehrreyrefhdagyfarahfuwe Merry Christmas.

2009-12-19T10:50:00.000-06:00

2009-12-18T23:18:00.004-06:00

my front yard used to be so green. i love how quickly it died once autumn left and how i just noticed that today. so gold. so lovely. i took a drive out to see more gold grass because that's beautiful to me and this is how it looked. it was raining all day.

another picture for you,

2009-12-17T21:54:00.002-06:00

I don't know if you've had your feelings get in the way from going anywhere. I feel so BLOCKED. No matter how hard I have tried today, I can't explain. i don't even feel the need to talk about it. I am gonna write every thing right now in my journal. I miss. i know i say it each time but this is as close as it gets for now. i think it hit me most when i was watching the recordings today. i started to cry not so much when I watched and listened to the video on my phone of Vienna and the beginning/middle of Happiness. no matter what, last night was incredible. no matter what. "Your it"

2009-12-13T22:58:00.003-06:00

1. Isaac Slade
2. Alex Dezen
3. Dan Layus
4. Ace Enders

Musicians and REAL people who are very important to me.

RAHHHHHHHH
I'm going through my playlists on youtube.
and this one reminds me of this time last year.
so. much. I can feel it in my bones. all over.
these musicians are the most beautiful to me. i mean that sincerelyy.
and this Christmas time and new years will be better. i am appreciating it more.

i just want to cry. the sound of these people/musicians are beautiful.
oh oh oh oh BE MY BABY,. and i'll look after you. oh oh oh oh BE MY BABY oh oh oh ohhh.. OH OH OH BE MY BABY AND I'LL LOOK AFTER YOU. ladadaladlaldanvjkdbafjk

i wish i can meet someone in real life who feels what I feel when I hear these people sing. and just when I hear the music stop or these videos stop, it's gone. that feeling i only only only feel when i hear them. it's magic. beautiful. nothing no nothing nothing can change my mind. i'm a little older now but oh my god. it just gets more deeper than before. i'll shake sometimes or just close my eyes and lay my head on my hands. or maybe you have to read this and listen to something beautiful to understand what I feel. ugh I feel ridiculous. but I want to look back on this and remember this feeling. it's so returning. and that right there are those few people/musicians. MAGICAL.

you don't u n d e r s t a n d what this is like for me. maybe you do. yeah maybe,

(JULIA DON'T LISTEN TO THIS. PLEASE. IT'S ON YOUR MIXTAPE.)

i need to take this song on a drive. and i want everything and everyone misty. <3

i want so much right now.
more than I will ever deserve.

Merry Christmas. Thank you

"Oh Jack you see, I felt like your mirror with the wind whipping through my hair."

2009-12-10T22:43:00.005-06:00

i can't stop thinking about The Fray.

soon it will be Christmas day.

2009-12-09T19:07:00.002-06:00

seven days from today. austin, the fray, winter, christmas. i'm gonna cry..

When you're only 18 And you got nothing to lose

2009-12-04T20:27:00.006-06:00

i don't know if you know but it snowed today in Houston. real life snow falling hard from the sky. i never seen anything like it. i think my favorite part was leaving work right on golden hour and rushing home to my camera and driving to the nearest field listening to "sand in your shoes". my boots were soaked with freezing mud. and i took this:

someone close to me used this as her desktop and it made me smile heartily. <3

couches in alleys

2009-12-03T17:20:00.004-06:00

I can't see why you'd want to live here.

2009-12-02T20:25:00.005-06:00

The Fray were Grammy nominated twice tonight. I feel like crying. My eyes are straining themselves from watering and my throat feels like a knot and I'm overwhelmed of happiness that it hurts. (Every Happiness version I have is on repeat right now and I never missed anything so much.) God I can't wait to revisit them two weeks and a half from now and that our date is close to Christmas or how we'll be in Austin city togethe just like that one time when I turned sixteen. I can't wait for the trip. in every way. and feel the cold on my cheeks while i wait in line and see them just one more time. When I was younger, I imagined what it would be like to see them during Christmas season. I had pictures made up in my head. I love them. I love them. I LOVE THEM.

This was today. I drove to places with her today. She's the closest thing I have to beautiful. after max..heh

2009-11-30T12:48:00.006-06:00

this morning I went on the first drive with my own car and Neil Young was playing in the background and my canon was on the passenger seat and it was drizzling rain and all the colors of the trees were gold. i drove around the airport and I found a few back roads. i spotted this sorta empty road so I turned back around and parked along the edge and turned off my car and got out and stood in the center and just felt the cold air hit my face. I had my camera strapped around my neck so I focused on taking the perfect picture. I went looking for more roads to stop at and I kept going down the main street until I found another perfect place. and i didddd. and it was beautiful. I walked a bit far and I found a gravel road and there were leaves everywhere and I thought I was alone but a lady in a hat drove by and she smiled at me and I felt like everything was harmless.

we won't be sleeping in our autumn beds

2009-11-28T22:44:00.002-06:00

I don't want autumn to end. not now.

2009-11-26T19:24:00.005-06:00

I wish we could go on a holiday forever. I don't want my mom to go back to work, i don't want any of this to end. i love the cold air outside right now and the dead leaves and the pumpkin pie and the warm hugs from my mom and being home and safe. While the turkey was baking, I went outside with my camera. It's the most fun I've had all year. I'm glad I got it at eighteen. I'm glad we shared Thanksgiving together. I want to freeze this moment so bad.

Picture of the dayyyyyyy:

There were tiny dandelions by the small field next to home and I fluttered the end to make them fly all over. They landed in my hair and all over my boots. It was nice. :)

2009-11-25T18:42:00.007-06:00

So I went out and explored with my camera today after a really long day of work. I felt like I was escaping from it all. I'm so happy with it. This is what I've been waiting for and now it's happening and it feels great. I just want to shout of happiness. if that makes sense. This picture here was my favorite of all the takes. This is the beginning of something for me and I feel good about it. Who knows, I'm probably all wrong. I hope you love it as much as I do :)

I almost forgot. :) I met an old woman named Patsy Slade today. I explained to her the importance of her last name while we shared a nice moment. She laughed about it and said something along the lines of him coming on tv and I just went along with it and said yes haha. This week's been good. Can't wait for Thanksgiving and the third night with my camera.

my horoscope yesterday...

"Your dreams can actually help to answer a lingering question today, but you'll need to take the time to explore their symbolism. Even if you cannot remember all the details, your subconscious puts you in touch with what's important now. Your current lesson has to do with how your unfettered imagination can help you create a better future. Remember, what exists in reality begins as a mere thought first."

made so much sense.

2009-11-24T23:16:00.002-06:00

I GOT MY CAMERA I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. TODAY WAS A GREAT DAY. TODAY I WILL REMEMBER ALWAYS.

2009-11-22T19:59:00.003-06:00

I'm getting a little tired of Walmart Customers. Today this old man grabbed me by the hand and kissed it and told me I had beautiful eyes. I felt so uncomfortable and all the people in line were staring. I just gave him my sympathetic face.

One more month

2009-11-17T13:36:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I found out from Julia that The Fray are coming back to Austin. It's so funny how I found out because I was in bed with my phone and her text showed up and once I read it, it nearly gave me a heart attack. I started shaking when we were texting back and forth and and I got my net book and started to look it up. Then I realized that I found out exactly one month before and it made me smile. So December 16th is when I will see The Fray again. That's...30 days from today. oh my God. 30 days. that songggg. I remember singing it over and over and over when I was with Sadie and when we made videos of our feet swinging and our terrible karaoke aaand all that Christmas I spent it telling her about The Fray and taking polaroids and the ocean. I can't wait for December. I can't wait to see them again.

30 days till christmas and all I know
Is I'm not quite ready to let go of this past year
I have so much to show
One more month and all I need
Is a sign from you, that you think of me
If you don't, then please just say so
Cause all I do, is think of you

And it's wearing me out, it's wearing me down
This holiday, is nothing but frowns for me
But I've got a gift, you see
I'm making a list, hell, I'll check it twice
Of all the things you've done in my life
Then I'll send it your way
So you see why I love you

Who would've thought that someone like me
Could've fallen in love so easily
I know that you know that I know what I want
I know I can't have it but give it a thought
I know that it sounds crazy, baby
But all I do is think of you

It's wearing me out, it's wearing me down
This holiday, is nothing but frowns for me
But I've got a gift, you see
I'm making a list, hell, I'll check it twice
Of all the things you've done in my life
Then I'll send it your way
So you see why I love...

Everything you throw my way
I know it's hard to say, but it's a crying shame
That I came all this way, with so much to say
But all that came out was happy holiday
A home cooked meal and a nice warm bed
Somebody to love a place to lay my head
But I got 30 days and ima make them count
Cause I can't call it christmas without someone to smile about

october came

2009-11-12T19:14:00.001-06:00

i love gold grass and cold air and Christmas decorations on coca cola’s. I love the ending of a countdown and buying goodies for my favorite bands. i love the color magenta. and i love my taste in stuffff. i love how i girly i feel in my flats. i love today. happy birthday mommy. most of all, I love you

2009-11-10T20:44:00.001-06:00

there are so many things i miss right now. most of it are just songs i haven't listened to in a whileee. i miss my favorite bands. :( it's ridiculous. Honestly, I can't wait for the fray to get back on tour. I'm just counting down the days. NOV 14th will be here in just four short/long? days. i'm so nervous to see meese this saturday. last night when I was just lying in bed with my eyes open in the dark, something came up in my mind. It reminded me of a christmas present I got from someone two years ago. Well here's to hoping i can find that dvd and cd to give to the meese brothers. today at work this girl told me my hair was gorgeous. she made me smile. I can't wait for it to get a little bit longer. sometimes i still can't believe the morning light broke up and that i didn't get to see Alex Dezen in Dallas this weekend or that I'm gonna miss Augustana this saturday. None of this makes any sense to me. i wanna cry and hide underneath the covers. i don't want this year to be over. this year means so much to me. despite all the bad stuff, this is graduation year. This is the year I changed. the year that I grew up.

2009-11-03T15:06:00.000-06:00

The time has come for colds and overcoats.
We're quiet on the ride,
we're all just waiting to get home.
Another week away, my greatest fear.
I need the smell of summer,
I need its noises in my ears.
If looks could really kill,
then my profession would be staring.
Please know we do this cause we care
and not for the thrill.
Collect calls to home
to tell them that I realize
that everyone who lives will someday die
and die alone.

And we won't let you in.
Though we're down and out.
We won't let you in.
You win.

I wrote more postcards than hooks.
I read more maps than books.
Feel like every chance to leave
is another chance I should have took.
Every minute is a mile.
I've never felt so hollow.
I'm an old abandoned church with broken pews
and empty aisles.
My secrets for a buck.
Watch me as I cut myself wide open
on this stage. Yes, I am paid
to spill my guts. I won't see home till spring.
Oh, I would kill for the Atlantic,
but I am paid to make girls panic
while I sing.

And we won't let you in.
Though we're down and out.
We won't let you in.
And we won't let you in.
We don't want what isn't ours.
We won't let you in.
You win.

And the coastline is quiet.
While we're quietly losing control.
Yes, we're silent but sure
we invented the cure
that will wash out my memories of her.
"The harpoon is loaded. The cage is lowered.
The water is red."
Like you.

'cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it.

2009-11-01T17:45:00.008-06:00

Last night I got to see Jesse Lacey and the rest of the band dressed up in costumes. It was really great. To me, that night Jesse was this person I didn't know in disguise. His eyes were hidden under a mask and they were the most mysterious I had ever seen. His whole being and the fact that he was up on that stage playing in a full house with everyone cheering him on. It was the best. I sincerely enjoyed every second of it. So when I was watching him front row and I was surrounded by all those fans, something came over me. I guess after seeing it live, it changes e v e r y t h i n g. Well happy November first. One thing I won't forget from that night was Julia's text. "I hope your enjoying the last 45 minutes of October" God, I hadn't even cared to check the time. I was in downtown for the first time alone on Halloween night just finished watching one of the greatest bands alive. It was surreal. I'm ready to move on though. October was so good to me. I miss you already.

2009-10-31T01:39:00.000-05:00

If I could make the world as pure and strange as what I see, I'd put you in the mirror,
I put in front of me.

2009-10-30T18:41:00.000-05:00

October is over? No, this can't be happening.

i feel n o t h i n g

2009-10-28T22:35:00.005-05:00

i might've borrowed a camera. since my scanner doesn't work there's that max polaroid I think you would love. It has that precious light leak that came out of nowhere. then there's memory lane. Hopefully you can click on it and you can expand it to see clearer. i collected that leaf on 10th street in the heights. I grew up spending my childhood times there. Now everytime I visit I keep thinking I might run into Cameron Dezen. (Alex Dezen's sister) I remember when she came out on stage back in November 06 when The Damnwells were opening for The Fray and I yelled out to everyone that she was my choir teacher. I don't know what I was thinking. Oh also :
hah this camera.

2009-10-27T22:59:00.002-05:00

I've been listening to alot of REO Speedwagon lately on my way to work.

2009-10-26T18:08:00.001-05:00

i can't wait to leave.

But isolation pushes you 'til every muscle aches down the only road it ever takes

2009-10-24T22:16:00.002-05:00

today after work I took a polaroid of a street sign called "Memory Ln" It made me smile. We drove by it and I knew I had to stop the car. :) That means I have four polaroids left. I'm saving them for when I see Brand New on Halloween night. It's gonna be at the Verizon Wireless Theater. I love that place. The first time I ever went there was the first time I met Isaac. It's never quite the same whenever I revisit though. For me, it's kinda dead. Like weeping willow kinda dead, if that makes sense. Anyway, I'm hoping I can party after that. Now would be a good time.

Cause everything I need is written on your face

2009-10-22T20:27:00.005-05:00

that was Dave's recommendation of music to me today. :) I haven't felt this overwhelmed since I got their myspace comment in February 2007. I think it's the best feeling to be recognized from my favorite people. :) I feel like i'm waking up in a dream. ah, it's so funny how I've been recommending stuffff lately. Like for instance my oldest brother finally finished reading Catcher in The Rye today. I'm so glad I got him to read it. and now I got Dave to listen to Cocorosie's song "animals". it's wild. :) I haven't stopped listening to Sea Wolf hah. Especially since it gives off this perfect winter mood. i love it. :)

2009-10-21T23:05:00.001-05:00

i saw the birds fly south today. i can't wait for the next time they come back.

Two faces

2009-10-20T21:36:00.000-05:00

Keep one in your bag

i love you

2009-10-18T20:53:00.000-05:00

until you disappear in the morning light

2009-10-18T13:37:00.003-05:00

London bridge and it made you weep

2009-10-18T10:44:00.004-05:00

"I tell you baby when you get back home
We'll catch a train and we're headin South"

Joe Purdy in Austin on Dec 20. SHOULD I GO? i don't know. unless something more important came up. ugh but whatever. :( a long december by the counting crows just came up on my shuffle. the days go by so fast. it's been so long since I've seen the ocean. i haven't written this on blog format but Augustana is coming to Houston the same night Meese is. It ruins me. Meese is my priority. I need to add up more shows. I've only been to two. Third time's a charm hah. ah i'm so cheesy. I can't wait to hug them. I'm gonna hug them. and I'm not gonna let go. and I can't wait to tell them things. The Damnwells are gonna work on a winter record. This is something I can't wrap my head around. I have things to look forward to.

hold me cause i'm lonely without you

2009-10-16T20:51:00.010-05:00

this might sound weird and funny but the air smelled so good today. i wish you were there to smell it hah. and my hair. oh man, my hair. it smelled like grass because i laid there after watching where the wild things are and howled up to the trees with max. just like in the movie. :) i don't know if you've ever smelled grass on you. but it' a nice thing. everything felt right you know. fitting and safe. i checked the mail and Julia's letter came and my pack of polaroid film. I waitied very long for it to come. it made me so damn happy. 'round here' has been stuck in my head today. and other stufff. :) I guess October IS my favorite month and this year it's more than magical. it's love. and all of that for me makes the world a lot less uglier. i need a car to get away. and i want my perfect mix cd playing in the background and i want to collect all my feelings of right now and keep it tucked away for whenever i feel this way again. i love revisiting old thoughts and having new ones. it makes me love life. i sound crazy.
i have a red mark on my face. max scratched me.

2009-10-15T21:41:00.004-05:00

SO I HUGGED HER NECK
AND SAID I'M SORRY FOR
THE WAY I'VE BEEN, SHE SAID
AW, THAT'S OKAY

INTO MY SHOULDER SHE SAID
OH OH OH OH NOW THAT I'M
OH OH OH OLDER, THE
DISTANCES ON MAPS
HAVE GOT SMALLER
AND PROMISES OF
HAPPINESS
STALLED

I WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN

2009-10-14T23:58:00.002-05:00

i feel like my life has owned up to just two things.
i never really thought about owing my life away.

2009-10-14T14:16:00.002-05:00

If you were a season, you would be in bloom
I wish I had good reason to see you soon
No need to convince me that you were a catch
I bought my ticket and so at last

this was hard to swallow

2009-10-13T19:44:00.005-05:00

remember that

time heals everything.

2009-10-12T21:04:00.002-05:00

"when your set out to do something you kinda weigh the risks of how much it's gonna cost and what it's gonna require of you and if that's something you can afford. you go for it. at the beginning of this band when we started out,
i guessed what it was gonna be like, how hard it was gonna be,
and thought it'd be worth it and run after it you know. and it's cost a lot more than i thought it would. personally, relationally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. it's a lot more draining than anybody
ever told me it would be. nobody ever told me this would be your life. everything you do. but i definitely
get the sense that people in visible situations that are far more famous than us, are very alone in there
experience, that most people don't have any idea what it costs of your transparency and your vulnerability to people
you've never met. and i make it sound kind of bleak but all that to say i think it's worth it, i'd do it again in a heartbeat."

PS.

2009-10-11T20:57:00.002-05:00

I spent my whole day today as a recovered alcoholic seeing my dad getting baptized. Then we played baseball with all the cool guys and it was so so much fun. Because I kept hitting all the balls and life was good. and precious because i felt alive.